The final battle….

How do I describe the terrible fear and isolation I feel as my mother lies in ICU.  How do I tell of the thoughts that invade my mind while the radio plays the saddest music.  This morning I heard for the first time a piece of music called ‘a mothers love’ sung by Katherine Jenkins.  It tore me apart and I found myself crying hysterically in the passage while my little NooNoo tried to figure what was wrong.  She is not used to this. 
‘This’ is a fight we cannot win unless by great and miraculous interventions by God.  If Lazarus could be healed after all his organs shut down, after he lay dead for days….is there hope for my beloved Beth?
I had Radio Veritas place her name on then altar for Mass at 12pm. 
Oh mom if I could hold you once more in my arms and tell you that you are my best friend and inspiration….my reason for walking this journey, my teacher and my mentor. If I could ask you once more advice about a poem or a painting.  If I could tell you how much I love you and if you could forgive me for putting you in hospital when you didn’t want to go.  If I could tell you about the progress with the drama students and their RACA poems. If I could once more sit in front of your wheelchair and rub your legs and bandage them again.”

The staff of the hospital have been remarkable and they have given permission that I can visit you at anytime., I am going to you now before I begin the afternoons teaching.  These teaching hours I need to survive the terrible isolation and panic I feel. The Head of Department has been kind and the specialist physician.  There are moms in my school who have been so supportive and kind and have offered so much by way of help. There are encouraging Sms’s and mms’s…..but when the darkness closes in and the silence envelopes the house and I am not bringing you your tea or you are not asking to watch a Catherine Cookson on film on your tablet….I am bereft and full of emotion and I know true isolation….and its devastating.

Anguish and silence of the heart.

I can’t remember many things of the past few months and I remember much with great clarity. I have been functioning like a programmed android. Now as my mother lies in hospital fighting for her life it is as though the program has crashed and I can’t put it back together.  My beloved Beth is in a critical condition and last night the specialist physician put her on a ventilator. I realise with a dreadful cold feeling what this means. The night hours are so long and it remains so cold and desolate this winter season. I can’t imagine life without her yet these past few months since her brief sojourn in ICU in February she has slipped from my routine. I carried on doing the things that need to be done without her. She was not able to participate in anything. She was becoming weaker and weaker. Yet there were moments when her wisdom and character emerged as strong as ever giving me the ability to control a situation.  In her frailty she never once panicked….she from her wheelchair held it all together. 
I don’t know how to carry on without her.  I pray without ceasing but prayer is a silent practise amongst all peoples…we know HE hears and we know He cares and we know He controls….but the silence of prayer is deafening…

A new site

  “In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, hungry bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, “Dear God! Please give this bear some ‘religion!'” The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
“Thank you, God, for the food I’m about to receive….””
This piece of spiritual humour  does not sit too well with me because in reality the poor man must have either fallen over or been attacked.  That is worrying. 
The winter season is well and truly with us now and this day of 13th May is totally wet and dismal.  But nothing is dismal if one has books and music and a secret.  Secrets are precious things and need to be nurtured.  They can also become burdens.  At the moment I have some secrets which are totally rewarding and I have a few which cause me severe stress. The stressful ones are not coming  to a closure but one lives in hope.  As I write this short blog I still wait for my Volkswagen and even after repeated queries I get no response.  But I am less concerned because when there is a need for finance the mechanic will surely contact me. May it happen soon.
Please take the time to visit the blog
and also Namasté

30th April and still no Volkswagen but one new poem

I have been struggling to get my mom Beth well but finally with thanks to my doctor who had great empathy and insight we have been able to tame the ’emotional and hormonal rapids’.  She has not plunged into a state of extreme despair for about two weeks now and this is due to carefully taking the medication. She is still struggling for physical strength but her blood pressure and so on is excellent and she looks toward to the visits of the medical sister.

The saga of my Volkswagen is ongoing… car has been with the mechanic for more than???….I have lost count of the days and weeks.  Friday, 28th April saw another episode in the ongoing drama concerning the repairs of this car.  How I got through the afternoon, the evening, without revealing to my mom what occurred must surely attest to my ability for ‘putting on a face’.  But I finally had to tell Beth what occurred .  It pushed her into another tearful state of remorse.   I can only say this: in this world there is a lot of evil and bad things.  Drugs, visual media, written words, people….the whole spectrum that can ruin ones life….but BUT NOTHING CAN HURT AND RUIN LIKE ILL ADVISED AND TIMED POSTINGS ON FACEBOOK .  I wrote a poem once called ‘Lucifer went walking’….in it I allude to the internet being his tool….I have changed my mind…..Facebook is his tool.  What I went through on Friday afternoon with reference to my Volkswagen was born of Facebook comments I was not aware of, didn’t ask for and certainly don’t condone.  I was in such a state of disbelief and shock I can’t quite remember anything about the drama class except that I could give new Afrikaans readings.

I,we, were getting better and there was a glimmer of hope for returning to where we were before the 21st February.  I was even  on Thursday able to write a poem…yes a brand new poem…born of discussion with Beth who was very animated on Thursday which everyone will remember as Freedom Day.  She made a remark and the words flowed.  I felt as though I had emerged from a dark tunnel and I had  arrived in a place I knew to be safe. The poem is not my usual standard this I know but I was hoping to get better.

Spieëltjie aan die Muur

Spieëltjie spieëltjie aan die Muur
wie is die sterkste van ons hier?
wie hou ons toekoms in die hand
wie het die meeste invloed in die land?
Ai maatjie dit wil ek nie sê
ek is te bang die ruimte hoor my
en dra my woorde terug na plekke
waar dit nie hoort te lê

Spieëltjie spieëltjie aan die muur
hoekom is skool so swaar
en onderwysers so geleerd
maar niks het om te sê?
En ouers is te moeg en sonder ‘n glimlag
en alles is so vinnig
en al wat grootmense kan sê is
ek wil dit so hê.’
Wat het geword van speel in die reën
verspot en kordaat sodat die engele ons kan seën?
Ai maatjjie dit wil ek nie sê nie
ek is bang die wind dra my woorde
en laat val die waarheid waar dit nie hoort te lê

Spieëltjie spieëltjie aan die muur
hoekom kom die seisoene nie soos hulle moet
en die reën val met woede en die wind waai deurmekaar
en treine bots op reguit spore
en vliegtuie val uit die lug
en mense skreeu en slaan mekaar met tuisgemaakte plakkaarte?
Ai maatjie dit wil ek nie sê nie
ek vrees die ore wat kan hoor en my woorde weg dra
na ander lande waar dit verdraai word
en so breek ons waarheids bande.

Spieëltjie spieëltjie aan die muur
jy is tog die slimste hier
elke kinderboek wat ek besit
vertel van jou bekwaamheid en hoe jy die waarheid stut.
Kan jy dan nie nou praat
en my vertel hoekom word my wêreld so vol haat.
Ai maatjie kom nader en luister na my….
niemand sal vir jou die antwoord op jou vrae gee
jy hou die waarheid in jou eie hand….
maak oop…kyk en gebruik jou siels verstand.
Mense is teenstrydig,politici is boos, kinders is verlore
en grootmense is voos
seisoene is ontydig want die aarde lui aan skok
die wind weet nie meer watter kant nie
en die reën is bi-polêr
en die sonskyn is sku terwyl die donker lok.
Net jy kan dit verander
net jy met die krag van ‘bo’
moet nie meer vra wat jy moet doen is glo.
Net jy het die antwoord
net jy kan jouself red
Jy maak die reëls vir jou eie lewe
(maak dit met insig en wysheid)

After Friday the tunnel is dark again.  How to approach this week trying to get back our lives, the car and inspiration.

Elizabeth (Beth) my Mom and the saga of the Volksie

It is the 13th March and a new week begins. My mom is fighting to regain herself with every ounce of emotional and physical strength she still has. Her spirituality has never lacked conviction and she continues to hold her Creator in the forefront of her efforts to try and live a few more years.  
There is an improvement in her physical state. The edema is more of a challenge than her heart at this point in time and we have a time table at changing the dressings to keep her legs dry.  She has been working again at those crosswords I so don’t like but I leave her for she believes it keeps her brain alert and sharp. On reflection she is probably right for I am at times a very silent companion and protector and verbal communication is so important in the elderly.  There are times I just cannot speak and discuss and observe as I should.  Our sincere and grateful thanks to those who constantly prayed with us and are always asking after her.
Autumn is a beautiful time of the year and ever since I can remember it is a time in which I need to isolate.  I often said to her and QM….I would rather work through the whole of the December vacation and associated insanity of the festive season….but when it comes to April I need to totally isolate. But that is not how the division of time works in our lives.  The end of March and whole of April brings a stillness into every day.   Its as though we no longer care about threatening deadlines.  I am desperate to find the courage to get to Krugersdorp as soon as possible.  There was a time I used to go every second day.  I will try this week.
Individuals come into our lives and either enrich it or teach us severe lessons in the depravity of human principle and nature. So it was with an unfortunate incident concerning the repairs to my Volkswagen. It has caused untold frustration and tension within my..our lives. These two mechanics are people who just dont care about others, ones time or ones life.
The tension associated with getting anything organised and arranged in this time frame is debilitating. I do believe that the stress of the car contributed to my moms illness. Things change from day to day and we have to adapt to it. We try bravely to do so but it takes its toll on one. A change in Dr. is a big thing for the elderly…one becomes so used to and comfortable with the usual people,places and things. Its an absolute assault on the psyche when one finds the old gone and in its place something different. It is hard to adapt to another’s treatment of one. We try to fathom out what condones such behavior and we cannot find an answer. I don’t like not being able to justify events that happen.


Perhaps I should contemplate this quotation

Beth still fighting…….25th February 2017

As I type this blog I am trying desperately not to be tearful or emotional.  But try as I do the tears will not stop.  My mother, Beth, is fighting the final battle for her life. The damage to her heart is too great and she cannot recover from her stay in ICU. I have never felt so alone and isolated even though there are the same remarkable people who enquire and care and pray.  And still it rains…and the clouds cover every glimmer of sunlight …a little sunlight that will make this terrible heaviness of spirit abate…even for just a little while.
I am praying for this one small miracle that her Father in Heaven to whom she was always so devoted and whom she served in obedience all her life will be merciful towards her. For a healing and a little more time.  Her mind is in terrible anguish and she said to me that she believes she might have Alzheimer’s or the beginning of it.
The hours merge into long episodes of thought and contemplation, prayer and desperation. 

21st February 2017 and still it Rains….for hours

What small glimmer of hope made me think that this was going  to be a different year?  This evening….night …for the hours move on as I write with a very heavy heart and an exhausted spirit.  Since last Tuesday we have been in ‘dire straits’.  First NooNoo with Hemorrhagic Gastroenteritis.  It was a week of constant prayer and endurance for my little dog and for us here at home.  Since Tuesday she was ill.  This Tuesday sees Beth in ICU ….and the rain and emotional stress does not stop or even abate a while.  I have been praying for us….for it is only prayer now that can help this situation and Beth is in God’s merciful hands. I believe one should stop dividing time into years but rather divide the time into phases…phases for life and life’s challenges.
The rain is beginning to be destructive and not redemptive….and that is a sad reality.

The passing of 2016

From way back, even when I was very young and I tried to imagine where I would be in 2016, who I would be and how it would be I knew …I just knew…that 2016 was going to be a watershed year in my life as a woman, a person and a teacher.  I knew that from here on inTime would be measured before 2016 and then after.  It was an unbelievably hard year for me.  I had blessings which cushioned the blows and the insecurities.  I had my mother to help me through the dark hours of extreme anxiety and early morning panic attacks and I ALWAYS had my NooNoo at my side.   My love for them knows no boundaries….its an infinite emotion.
I learnt about ‘inner core’ things and I watched how clever people played manipulative games.  I witnessed how far a mother will go to gratify the expectations of her child.  And I saw the debris left behind by emotional human conflict.  These very real situations made me once more adhere more strongly than ever to the principle I often use….there is no absolute wrong or right…there is only a difference of opinion.   Wrong or right walks hand in hand with moral and religious conviction.  Moral and religious conviction is fashioned and formed by years of training as a young person.  Who is to ‘blame’  or ‘praised’ for the adults people ultimately become?  Who is definitely right or definitely wrong?  While witnessing as I did some of these conflictive situations and watching the effect on the ‘victims’ I realised more than ever before what a precious thing Peace is.  Peace in all facets of life.  I saw how important it was for a child to be able to go to school in a sense of peace…not afraid of conflict. I realised what a priceless gift it was for the parent.  Peace became my ultimate goal week after week.   My spirit was stilled when I could listen to someone speak in positive directions of their daily lives.  I also saw how very strong some young children are and how deep their faith is.  I was humbled, for in their simplicity they taught me many things. 

I am grateful to my Creator for the  continued companionship and life of Beth (my mom). She remains my best friend, my worst critic and my strongest ally in all creative ventures.  Those who know me well know how terrified I am by the endless Gauteng summer afternoon storms.  This December it was bearable and that is only through the Creators grace.  When I see the storm clouds gather I become frozen with fear and much aspirin is taken to ensure a  smooth heart beat! …or at best a rhythmic one!
The passing of time is always to be mourned..even in a small way…Time is not something we can retrieve….not ever. I hope 2017 brings to everyone more stability within. More spirituality. Less violence especially within the family circle.  More kindness towards animals and a better weather pattern.  I am saddened for the loss of people I thought had more kindness within their persona….it hurt terribly in the beginning but it doesn’t matter anymore. We are in His merciful hands….may there be compassion from the Great Creator and judge….for He sees our hearts and most of all…our motives.


Thankyou to many.

The Magnificat

The Magnificat never really captured my attention.  I knew it was a verse of praise of Mary, mother of Christ and although one was often exposed to the prayer it never really touched my inner being.  Prayer and dialogue with the Creator has always been with me. Even though I strayed from my belief and went through a total loss of faith at 27years of age….I never forgot the dialogue to the Higher Source.  It used to be that I prayed fervently for safety, health and above all protection against the dark forces.  I strayed away from conventional practice’s relating to Catholiscm and sought other avenues.  I learnt a tremendous amount of truths.  There were days, weeks and months in which it felt as though I  was drifting in a desert which had a beginning but certainly no end. The Psalms brought me back…no one did for me what the Psalms did. 
During the past few years I have watched and seen many changes. I experience stress at a level I thought was never possible and always I prayed… help me endure.  But these days…..these days I pray for safety from relentless weather.  It is no exaggeration when I put down these thoughts and emotions that the weather is adversely affecting our lives.  Each day there is a threat of afternoon thunder showers, downpours and impossible wind. I  keep watching the. Sky and I listen for the birds.  If they become suddenly silent you know you are in for a humdinger.
My soul  glorifies  the  Lord,   my spirit  rejoices  in  God,  my  Saviour. He  looks  on  his  servant  in  her  lowliness;   henceforth  all  ages  will  call  me  blessed. The  Almighty  works  marvels  for  me.   Holy  his  name! His  mercy  is  from  age  to  age,   on  those  who  fear  him. He  puts  forth  his  arm  in  strength   and  scatters  the  proud-hearted. He  casts  the  mighty  from  their  thrones   and  raises  the  lowly. He  fills  the  starving  with  good  things,   sends  the  rich  away  empty. He  protects  Israel,  his  servant,   remembering  his  mercy, the  mercy  promised  to  our  fathers,   to  Abraham  and  his  sons  for  ever.                                                                                                                                                     Luke  1:  46-55
Of course I can never presume to be called blessed but the line  ‘The Almighy has done good  things for me…and Holy is His name ‘ is key to coping with reality. The endless Gauteng summer storms.  The fear of hail…the devastation it  can cause.  Each night the evening TV news carries depressing stories of devastation, loss of homes etc.  I silently pray to God for protection and above all Mercy.  I am so tired I no longer function as I should and each day remains a blessing when there hasn’t been the violent weather.  In the solitude of my heart I hear the opening lines of Mary’s Magnificat….and I remember the prayer.

7th October…feast of the Holy Rosary.

I am the product of a generation of Catholics not well educated in the rules of ‘mother church’. By today’s standards my generation knows absolutely nothing of the inner workings of the Church and its doctrinal faith.  Ours was a totally watered down catechism. The late sixties and seventies were decades in which potential catholics were not well informed.  It had a lasting effect on all.  When sleep does not come and pain invades the body I listen to EWTN.  All those Protestant converts who invariably became Catholic Apologetics….the mind boggles and sometimes its too much.  But since my earliest memory nuns, rosaries,crucifixes, old buildings with arches and grottos were a very firm part of my life.  As Life progresses and people move in and out of ones life we loose the things that formed the foundation of life.  Now after even more decades I have begun to research the purpose and meaning of the Rosary.  I struggle with the doctrinal precepts of the Church and I can’t come to terms with such issues as trans substantiation.  We never trained the soul in what is now being ‘pushed’ very hard by the Church.  However it is reputed that Mary gave sixteen promises for those who say the Rosary.  Audio Rosaries are very helpful.  Radio Veritas, the local Catholic station in South Africa have the Rosary on their program each morning but after a few years of listening to it it becomes arduous and totally depressing.  Still…we try to plough on.  
I have studied many doctrinal faiths and I remain a dedicated to the precepts of Buddhism.  But there is one truth that cannot be changed….once a catholic always a catholic (even if one is collapsed).
Pope Francis is becoming very risqué with his opinions but I guess that is all right…he has the power.