In less than a year since I last wrote a blog on this very personal site my life has changed drastically. If I look back I see a clear pattern of events. The ‘things’ that happened stand out like beacons of light marking my journey into very unknown terrains clearly. How it all happened and is still unfolding is a testimony to the presence of my Creator as a ‘spiritual Father’ in my life. There can be no doubt of His existance in the universe. I have had a personal confimration of this. This is not a reality I have chosen to weave for myself. I would never have been able to bring any of this about had it not been for divine intervention and what my parents have done for me as individuals morally and financially.
On the 21st October last year my life changed – those who read my blog know the story. On the 24th November of the same year I chose to commit my life to another person I didn’t quite know why or where or when I decided to do this…I just did. I just know I was very tired of searching and living the way I was. In retrospect I do believe that I was so damaged from what had happened to me in January of 2018 – the behavior of the one person I loved and trusted deeply and who really only played with me as a person and woman – like a cat plays with a half dead mouse – was the catalyst that caused me to make a desperate leap of faith. One form of ‘ emotional’ death could be no worse than the other…anything was better than what I was living.
I made decisions I never thought I would ever make in a life that was so routine and solitary. I lived all my hours, days and weeks, months and year for the students entrusted to me and for the love of the Arts. But each Friday evening when I closed the doors to the school I was alone until the following Monday morning and the usual Monday morning sms’s that notifiy me of what is now known in my school as the ‘monday-sickeness-after-the-weekend syndrome. Pupils are never so ill as on a Monday after the weekend. There must be a theory there somehwere.
I finally grasped the reality of my life – wrestled with it amongst many hours of angst and tears and decided to set myself free of the subservient reality I was living as a teacher in this community I have served for more than 40 years. I must just last out for another while. I use the word subservient because I work in a community where the perception of dedication to the arts is one of the following: I pay the teacher and therefore I attend as I see fit. This entitles me to either skip lessons including extra lessons. The 2nd perception is: I pay the teacher who works towards helping me achieve my best – there is no extra expense for my parents for extra tuition or anything else for that matter so at least I try. Enough said of this reality.
I have made as mentioned before, decisions I never ever thought I would and I am stronger and better for it. I have the support and love of one individual who has been with me every step of this journey encouraging me and spiritually holding my hand when I didn’t know which way to go – when the road ahead got too dark to even follow through. The hardest task was to sell my beloved Renatus – my home – the place where my mother and I lived our lives and I tried to make the dreams become a reality. When one is in service of a community dreams become wild horses and the nightmares are as soft as thunder during the anxious days days and nights while you as a teacher try to validate your profession. I never thought I would have the strength to change my reality. I didn’t know how to stay and I didn’t know how to leave. But the love of one person has taken me face to face with my truth. And this is all that I am now living for. I have taken my mother with on this journey and I thank my Creator each day and each night for bringing this into my life. It hasn’t been without pain and challenges. I had to give up everything I have nurtured and loved here. I had to give up 80% of my life as I know it. Materially I had to let go of many many precious things that marked certain stages of my life. Most of my precious books I had to let go as well as paintings, music collections and all those thrings that define certain episodes in life…it is now all gone. What I face ahead of me with regard to my beloved NooNoo I don’t even wish to contemplate but we are both survivors and we WILL with His grace survive this reality. One day I shall start this blog with the words: I am home. NooNoo and I are home.