“Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?”
― John Keats, Letters of John Keats
I am constantly reliant on music and literature for inspiration in my profession. As a person words and colour remain my constant support and the compass by which I mark my daily journey through life. November has arrived and its all a matter of guiding and coaxing, in the best way possible, the pupils into finding just a little more within themselves to make the forthcoming recital ‘special’.
My precious NooNoo remains at my side and watches every move I make, like an old grandmother. It is hard to believe that she is only a year and eight months old. From wherever she is she listens for my voice and ‘checks’ on me. Leaving home for any reason is always a challenge because the moment I drive out of the gates I want to be back and with her. She knows what putting on a jacket means and it means separation for a while which she endures with the most endearing of movements…all made to convince me not to go. Bettina and Gaby were the same during their lives with me but unlike NooNoo they always sought comfort and companionship with my mother while I was gone. Not NooNoo…she isolates and waits patiently. Each day that I awaken to I thank my Creator for this great and precious blessing in my life….my beloved Beth and NooNoo. Without them I would not be able to walk the paths that I do each day. There are many things that I miss terribly and my spirit cries out with longing to participate in a Catholic Mass, or to go to a library and find really cared for books, or to go into a coffee shop and not be pressed for time, or to find a CD long searched for at a bargain price. I have so desperately missed being able to paint on my canvas boards. I long to be able to sit and try to capture something or someone in a fragment of time. I can’t recall when last I was able to walk into a store to buy paints and be able to take minutes over the ‘heavy’ decision of choosing titanium white or zinc white.
The fact that the completion of QM’s estate is not finalised has impacted greatly on our lives. Patience of course is the key to enduring but even patience does not cushion the ongoing anxiety one experiences on a day to day basis. Beth is 86yrs old and has never had the peace and security she should be enjoying now…because things are not done and therefore there is no closure to a life of sacrifice and unconditional endurance. The bonds that tied her is still not released and I search in her face each day for the person she used to be. Her spirit is broken…for a brief moment it was in her hands and she felt complete and I rejoiced for her….but a mistake in documentation changed reality. What is remarkable is that she accepts with stalwart endurance and tries to put on a brave front…for my sake and NooNoo’s.
Blogs should be topical and not as personal as this one has been…and as I prepare to go to the store to find glue and glitter I hope for good vibrations today.
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.”
― Martha Graham
I don’t want words, movements and thoughts to be lost. Losing things and people is absolutely the worst thing.