“When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.”
― Pittacus Lore
Its a big big world and although everyone focuses on terminology like ‘we are part of the global village’…this isn’t a village. Its a very big space and if I consider my place in it I shudder at the thought of my own insignificant realities…for nothing concerning my life matters to anyone but myself. There are always those who stand on the edge of my own personal boundaries and they contribute in various measures to my wellbeing or stress…they bring joy, comfort, wisdom, anger and fears. As contrasting as these realities are they remain ‘gifts’ in life. One of the most marvellous books I read this year was ‘The Ultimate Gift’ by James Stoval…it was very cleverly written and for me had far more value than any written by the doyenne of self help, Rhonda Byrne.
Today is the last day of 2014 and really, no matter how good or difficult a year has been one is always sad at the passing of it. This year was even more challenging than the year 2013. This year I learned many things about people and this put into perspective my own thoughts about what I expect from them. I have changed ….totally changed. I ask myself why it took so unbelievably long for me to move from ‘child zone’ and into the cold hard planes of maturity.
This year I learned how hard it can be and totally draining to try and communicate with a person(s) who don’t have your values, your mindset and your way of life. It was a constant effort and exercise in adapting to another individuals way of thinking. I had to walk with caution all the way. But using my ingrained sense of Catholicism of doctrinal core beliefs I put self totally aside and gave the efforts I made every chance of succeeding or failing. My efforts were encouraged by a deep sense of wanting to gain ‘family’. Nothing can ever make up for lost years and time within a family circle. This I have learnt…. If one has been outside of the family unit…extended family unit….don’t try to get back in. It was one of the realities of 2014 that I did not succeed in. I have made peace with it and realise that there are many around who have greater values than ‘family’….no matter how educated or distant. I also learned that education alone does not make one a superior human being. It equips one to reach for a superior lifestyle and that is all. I have experienced goodwill from the most uneducated people this year… Those who know that value of the word ‘kindness’ and that ‘Thankyou’ can light up the darkest day.
QM has been gone for almost two years in April of 2015. I regret that I experienced so much conflict and heartache and tears and verbal abuse (in endless encyclical episodes) from a man who should have known better. But then again I am not without fault. I am still haunted by his death and the way he died….the two weeks prior to it coming to pass…coping alone and having to make sense of it. His affairs are now completed and the chapter of his life closed. He has however left his ‘footprint’ on the souls of two people who tried so hard and hoped for so long that the years would bring change and that human kindness and tolerance would chase away the demons that haunted him all his life and finally destroyed his mind. May the memories move into the shadows on our souls as the days move on.
I still miss the communication I had with Maureen Woods who passed away at this time. She was a wonderful friend who accepted me as I am…we exchanged deep thoughts, frivolous girl things, we laughed at ourselves and we took ourselves sometimes too seriously. Her place in my life has never been taken. I will have a Mass said for you dear Maureen. I am grateful that I can communicate with her brother Marvin….a deep,knowledgeable and totally ‘neat’ person to know. His emails arrive when I need them the most…and his wisdom is never ignored.
I came to know during 2014 some wonderful moments and there was really only one casualty with regard to a student. I was guided on a daily basis by the most enduring and wonderful mother. Make no mistake… There are days when our conflicts over matters of work and heart are like a roller coaster ride….but always she is understanding and enduring. And all of this from a wheelchair. She knows about the world like no other…and she is a recluse. She stood and held my hand through every disappointment, every angry outburst and of course she will always endure when I hit out against the doctrine that is used to define Catholicism.
I enter with my Creators mercy and grace this new year. Grateful that I have my Beth(mom) and the light of my whole life NooNoo. I hope for health and strength to endure the challenges each day brings. I thank Him for having brought me to the point this December of knowing who really matters. I thank Him for showing me how futile it was to pursue something that can never be attained and I thank Him for once more revealing to me how very important Truth is in every level of life.
“Well, it’s true that I have been hurt in my life. Quite a bit. But it’s also true that I have loved, and been loved. and that carries a weight of its own. A greater weight, in my opinion. It’s like that pie chart we talked about earlier. in the end, I’ll look back on my life and see that the greatest piece of it was love. The problems, the divorces, the sadness… those will be there too, but just smaller slivers, tiny pieces.”
― Sarah Dessen
“Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want. It is the belief that God will do what is right.”
― Max Lucado
“You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.”
― Thomas Merton
Thankyou to my pupils and their parents who contributed positively to this past year. Peace and safety to us all.