The world in on a high..inspite of political intrigues, social upheavals and economic escalations…the world around us is on a high and this prevailing ‘atmosphere’ has no disciplines or boundaries. There is an under current of rebellious and merciless waywardness. It is a terrifying reality.
This Monday morning finds me at 3am still unable to sleep. I am so sleep depraved that if I sat down and remained quiet for more than 30 minutes I would be in another place. Both my mother and I are in a state of guarded apprehension.
True to South African tradition Christmas started in middle October. The baubles and trees lurking in doorways to shops and mall passages is here to stay for a while. This year the Christmas tree is in evidence in every open space and its just shiny balls everywhere, which if the truth be told is far superior to mechanical father Christmases playing the trumpet to ‘white christmas’. Once again media is full of how to enjoy a truly memorable holiday on a shoestring budget, how to make a different celebratory meal that need not be traditional (don’t they know that south Africans find it hard to let go of tradition. That for many imperialism still lies deeply embedded in the pschye.) Brochures to leading stores are confusing and busy with prices and ‘deals’ offering two for one or three for two. After a few years this kind of thing becomes terribly predictable and ongoing age allows one to see the ‘stupidity’ of it all and the inevitable self questioning begins. Observation gives birth to conflictive thoughts….and the spirit is in a still and tense place waiting for reason to assail what should be the routine of the day.
CRIME controls….Crime robs everyone of a sense of relative well being and we find ourselves living on the edge.
I am almost numb with the confrontations I have to grasp and work through each day and although my entire life is equipped with motivational quotes, philosophies that should empower and religious convictions that should ensure peace….I am troubled and worried. For weeks I try to follow a motivational program that should ensure that at I don’t act like someone who is already knocking at Alzheimer’s door….for this is the one thing I fear above all else…and being brutally attacked. Bonnie Tyler belts out a song that can still be viewed on YouTube…I need a Hero…which echoes my sentiments at this point in time precisely.
I did not finish the tuitive year without learning once again new rules for social behavior. Each year I work relentlessly at preventing another fatality on the battlefield of creative Life….but I am never victorious. The bruising is still there and the sense of loss lingers.
I continue to reach out towards certain people with whom I have a ….shall we say…’communication’. These are very astute and careful people. They speak volumes and nothing is really said. For the sake of tradition the channels remain open. Perhaps one day there will be enough trust to go one step further than the mundane.
Me: how have you been? Answer: Busy. Me: doing? Answer:………..………(no answer) just silence till the next SMS.
One day I want to acquire the skill of being “busy” …so “busy” that it excuses my lack of social skills.