I have learnt so much…even at this age I still learn… And if the truth be told ….the learning process has inflicted hurt. But I can come to terms with the outcome of my quest to establish extended family ties. I really tried and realise now that in my effort to communicate I am actually in fact betraying my own self. I will never be accepted…the gap was and remains too big. It could be that my personality was found wanting. Perhaps I didn’t say enough or I said too much. Maybe I should have given more. Somewhere I failed to meet the required criteria. It’s a strange feeling I have within myself…it is almost as though I can breathe, even sing…..it was tiring trying to maintain relationships that were shaky to start with. More than anything I have learnt to appreciate honesty….no matter how hard it is to take….I value it. I pray for courage to endure life ahead without family who cares enough to be concerned. My ongoing love for the Brontë sisters writings brings me to a moment in which I want to quote a poem which I feel is written on my soul.
The Old Stoic – Poem by Emily Jane Brontë
Riches I hold in light esteem;
And Love I laugh to scorn;
And lust of fame was but a dream
That vanished with the morn:
And if I pray, the only prayer
That moves my lips for me
Is, ‘Leave the heart that now I bear,
And give me liberty! ‘
Yes, as my swift days near their goal,
‘Tis all that I implore;
In life and death, a chainless soul,
With courage to endure.
Emily Jane Brontë
Thankyou Emily….may I always have the courage to endure.