This is a poignant paragraph from the brilliant book: written by David Lagercrantz. In ‘The girl in the Spiders Web’.

He was looking unusually dashing in a jacket and tie and freshly ironed blue shirt. He had combed his hair over his bald patch. There was a dreamy and absent look on his face as if murder investigations were the last thing on his mind. “What did the doctor say”? she asked: “the doctor said what matters is not that we believe in God …God is not small minded.  What matters is for us to understand that Life is serious and rich.  We should appreciate it and also try to make the world a better place. Whoever finds a balance between the two is close to God……”. “So you were actually with your Rabbi?”.

This paragraph was a shaft of light in what can only be described as a very depressing time for me.  Depression has been with me since I was a child so I no longer panic about it neither do I seek solace and comfort from people in general.    I have accepted it as part of my persona and don’t apologise for it or regret it. I work through the dark hours and hope to emerge better for it.  Sometimes I win the battle oftentimes there are reopened wounds and scars that need to heal…again. But its really OK and the reality of depression doesn’t matter anymore.  I have searched and struggled to find the Truth… The truth of God, religion and people…..and its been a terrible journey. I have come to a point where the journey cannot be continued….it has to be abandoned and I need to turn away from the knowledge I have gained so far.  Knowledge is not always an enlightening reality….it can catapult a person into a nightmare of sorts.  I remain a wondering and wandering soul.  I have not met an equal who can inspire or guide or console the fiery storms. I have not met an Archangel Michael or even an ascended master.
So….I wait and watch and listen and abandon for a while the search for the meaning to it all. I remain eternally grateful for my best friend and confidant, my mother Elizabeth.  She understands this anger and volatility I feel every day…more so in April…and even more so in this week as remembrance of the passing of QM.
To my beloved NooNoo….you are more than any human being could ever be….you accept me as I am…all the hugs…all the chasing…and all the words I thread together you listen to until your eyes droop with sleep….my precious .
I know many people and I stand back and assess many things…..its all still a big black hole.

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