It has been a week and a bit that I have lived the days and nights without caring for my beloved Mom. I am aware that people will say I ought to be more mature and handle this with the aspect of reality that it deserves. I am not so naive as to think and have known that my mom would never pass on. We both spoke about it. BUT….BUT it was the way in which everything fell into place and the aftermath of the whole scenario. That is the crux. I was not prepared for it…I honestly thought she might pull back from this.
The emptiness in the house is like a grand canyon chasm. The silence is deafening. I am lost without the routine of caring for her. The isolation and aloneness is making me physically ill. The phone remains silent, the people who rallied around me are drifting away. I do not blame them for this is not their journey, and I shall always be grateful to them for being the support that I so desperately needed. Weekends are the worst and that is for sure. But perhaps this week will be better since I am returning to teaching again and that will give purpose to the days. In the meanwhile I drift from small task to small task. Her estate has still to be administered and that is a painful journey no matter how long or short it takes.
God my Father….only you can look and see into my heart.
Only you can see the anxiety that lurks there
Only you can read the troubled thoughts that invade my mind.
Only you can gauge the panic with which I face each new day
without my source of inspiration and communication.
I ask for mercy in this reality of coping with hours
of worrying about safety and trying to be as secure as possible.
I am grateful for being able to come to you in prayer…..
Please help me cope.