It is still dark and the dawn hasn’t broken yet.  I had almost no sleep and when I did doze a person who once brought me so much pain resurfaced in a memory and that is always a bad omen…. Always has been and always will be.  You know how it is when you dream about a certain thing or being.? Their presence in your subconscious portents difficulties.  I don’t need difficulties today since the Legal person has to come and deal with my beloved mothers will.  I am so utterly tense it feels as though I can’t breathe because I know here comes timeous efforts, tedious procedures and high cost.  And there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop this or make it better or easier.
Yesterday the local newspaper was as depressing as any tabloid can get.  The local paper, ‘The Randf****** Her****’ does not even try for sensationalism….just plain hard core depressing facts which happens in this place we call home.  I felt physically ill when I read of other peoples realities….well I could not read it all or I would be more frozen with fear than I already am. 
Beth always encouraged me to do a cleansing once she was no longer with me.  I think she knew that for me reorganising things is therapeutic.  By a ‘cleansing’ she meant…do away.  She always said “you cannot use everything at the same time….you can only wear one article of clothing at the same time…this (and her hand would wave around) is worldly stuff….move it along”. So I did move stuff along ….serving dishes one no longer can serve food in or never did.  Twenty and thirty years ago food was in far more abundance than now.  It was okay to do this task. There were no memories attached to any of the things. It will be interesting to see how the recipients to these grand dishes respond.
I have a prayer for today before the sun rises and I must meet with my reality of today:
Heavenly Father…You know my comings and goings,
my fears and longings,
You know the anguish I experience from time to time
let the Holy Spirit be with me today as I face this reality
of Beth’s will and the procedures.
I need Your hand upon me….I need her presence with me
And I ask that St Michael guard me from all negativity.

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