There were many nights I looked at the screen of my Tablet having so much to say and not being able to bring myself to write it out. My spirit longed to express the many emotions raging within me…never giving me the peace I have been so desperate to find. I realised with crystal clear and chilling clarity that I am mourning my mother now more than last year this time. I am missing her more, I am crying more, I remember more ….everything is more. The ‘stage’ of this happening has been cleared of caring people who appeared for a while and then left as unceremoniously as they entered my reality last year in July of 2017. Only I am alone in the vast space…looking into an unfathomable darkness, hearing a faint melody somewhere and ‘knowing’ deep within myself that those thoughts of dismal despair I felt after each hospital visit are now a reality.
After July,and this year’s July was extreme in every way but mostly weatherwise the race against time is on. Enduring this fierce cold without the use of heating challenged every fibre of my being. From now on as we approach August and the usual events that August brings it is a race against time to bring the expectations of creativity to completion. Then it’s the next challenge of exams with the students and all the stress and temperament and absenteeism that goes with it. I am trying and I believe that up until now I have managed it, not to show the students where I am in my life health wise. No one feels confident in a teacher with health issues caused by emotional trauma. I am fighting as hard as I know how to cope.
I know that there are still many challenges that awaits me. I have survived the storms that unrequited love brings. I have survived being verbally trashed over realities I was never a part of and therefore never understood. I have been healed by the understanding and guidance of a very good Buddhist teacher. I have been lost and lonely almost each day while I anxiously wait for my mother’s estate to come to completion. The anxiety that this reality has caused is beyond measure. I have lost the communicative indulgence of a person I once held in very high regard and I have gained simple consideration from others who don’t boast degrees and citations but who have that one ability…that one quality that renders them superior to the ‘man’. Compassion. If one lacks compassion – what is there that marks you as a person of value? Is that not our purpose in life irrespective of our doctrinal precepts?