I purposely stopped blogging for a while. The routine of life was challenging and I tried with every fibre of my being to rise to the occasion. I failed dismally and it was a reality that took much courage to come to terms with. I did not want my blogs to become a continual outpouring of my souls anguish.
I continued to love….deeply and devotedly. It was the one thing that kept me alive through all the empty and lost days without my mother to guide, advise and support me. How I missed her words and her wisdom. How I have missed her presence in the house. The greeting when I get back from wherever I have been and the reminder to be safe when I leave. I painted the walls of my home sometimes twice over to give myself something to achieve. I wrote poems and wove together words that spoke of my devotion to a single human being. I painted canvases and I tried to make others happy because I was so unhappy. I gave all I had to give …in everyway possible. I was not prepared for the emotional meltdown I experienced in early January. Everything that gave my life purpose was suddenly in jeopardy . I was bereft with disbelief and if the truth here in this blog has any value then I must say: I did not know how to handle the situation and I made all the mistakes it is possible to make when one is threatened by the loss of ‘Lifes purpose’. My Life Purpose.
I suppose everyone goes through a similar experience….that awful ghastly moment when you realise you are going to lose the one reality that gives your life meaning. I was numb and my emotions shredded and in the silence of the dark night alone in my home death seemed to be the only way out….and I really needed to die during those hours….not because I didnt love life or were tired of living …but because my soul needed rest. I needed to sleep the pain away. But sleep did not come and the wrong reactions happened. I severed a bond that would have been better left untended. But I was hurting from confrontations. I felt broken and had nothing left.
We live for years ‘knowing’ inside ourselves what we need and want from loving others. Whether this is love between child and parent(s), siblings, cousins, friends…it is still love of a kind. We have this preconceived idea that it will be something that is noble and pure and good. We long for the moments of communication and truthful expression of thought, knowledge and sometimes sincere emotion. We carry it like a fire in our hearts. Sometimes the flames burn so fiercely we become ‘high’ on emotion. I was living on that ‘high’ for days and weeks and months.
Now as January moves swiftly ,with the old pace of life, to a close I have learned many things. I have learned that I am capable of loving a single human being unconditionally with no expectation whatsoever. I have learned that my intergrity, my Truth and my offer of Trust is still what I bring to the threshing floor. I have learned what it is to truly love and to hope for that one moment of pure Truth between two people who recognise each others souls. I have learned the pain of waiting. I learned what it is to try over and over again to make anothers life better, to place someone elses emotions and feelings before my own – for while I have this reality so has he his own realities. He has his own ‘dark night of the soul’.
In our lifetime God gives us the capacity to love more than one person greatly. We are given the capacity to know many facets of love. It does not matter if it is love between friends, man and woman, child and parent. With each encounter there is a uniqueness that cannot be explained or repeated. I am grateful that I was given this gift to love to this extent. It does no longer matters whether it is reciprocated or whether it isnt ..or whether it may be or whether or not it has valuein the eyes of the world. What matters is that it has value to me….and it is something that belongs to me only…and I will always hold it as a fire in my heart….and it will not be shaken. Perhaps my Creator will be merciful and send another into the peripheral of my life ….so that I may recognise a different reality…. a person who has the capacity to enfold me and hold me fast and heal my brokenness….and I will love differently…..but nothing and no one will replace what I have felt and continue to feel for this one single human being I have grown to love. This Truth has been etched on my soul and the reality will span eternity.
Love – unconditional and true – permits one to experience Heaven and Hell. Both journeys are equally hazardous.