Anguish and silence of the heart.

I can’t remember many things of the past few months and I remember much with great clarity. I have been functioning like a programmed android. Now as my mother lies in hospital fighting for her life it is as though the program has crashed and I can’t put it back together.  My beloved Beth is in a critical condition and last night the specialist physician put her on a ventilator. I realise with a dreadful cold feeling what this means. The night hours are so long and it remains so cold and desolate this winter season. I can’t imagine life without her yet these past few months since her brief sojourn in ICU in February she has slipped from my routine. I carried on doing the things that need to be done without her. She was not able to participate in anything. She was becoming weaker and weaker. Yet there were moments when her wisdom and character emerged as strong as ever giving me the ability to control a situation.  In her frailty she never once panicked….she from her wheelchair held it all together. 
I don’t know how to carry on without her.  I pray without ceasing but prayer is a silent practise amongst all peoples…we know HE hears and we know He cares and we know He controls….but the silence of prayer is deafening…